Meet Gunblade

 Gun's Quote:

"Money can buy some things to create happiness, but it can never buy happiness."

-Ellen J. Barrier

So I decided to pull the trigger. I was going to buy a bike. I knew I knew nothing, and I was going to need help. Where was that help going to come from?

We actually have to go back in time a few weeks, back to June, just before I took the MSF class.

Because of COVID, the Junior College Website incorrectly left on their MSF page that students would be REQUIRED to bring their own helmet and gloves because the school wasn't loaning them out for health and safety reasons. (They had actually changed that policy a few months prior) For that reason, I wandered into Cycle Gear, quite literally a stone's throw from my house. I heard about Cycle Gear as being "The" store to go to for purchasing motorcycle gear, and its proximity to my home only continued to reinforce the already-absurd notion that God himself wanted me to do this. The coincidences just kept adding up time and time again.

So I'm in the store. There are a handful of customers on the floor, and two guys standing behind the counter. Very much in keeping with my personality, I boldly declare in a loud voice that I have no idea what I'm doing and that I need somebody to point me in the right direction.

It was as if I sounded a battle cry. I had 5 people surrounding me in 15 seconds flat, all asking questions about how much experience I had, what bike I bought, why I got in to motorcycling, how tall I was, what colors I liked, my waste size, my head size, my shoe size and, finally, if I wanted to go on a ride with them. I wish I recorded the scene. It would have been a perfect sketch comedy.

It would be here I would meet Elliot, a member of the KC Sportbike Society. In addition to giving me pointers on how well my helmet should fit, he made me pull my phone out and request membership in the Society's Facebook group. Knowing so few people who rode and knowing I was going to need the advice anyway, I signed up. I filled out the application by stating, "I know nothing and just want to ask questions and learn. Elliot said I should join this group." Apparently, that was good enough for their leadership, who let me in within the hour.

I walked out of Cycle Gear with a helmet, gloves, and membership in KC Sportbike Society.

After passing the MSF and getting a 15% off coupon to Cycle Gear, I walked back in on July 17th, where I would purchase the remainder of my gear. Jacket, pants, boots, and armor.

Once again, very much in keeping with my personality, I declared on the KC Sportbike Society Facebook Page that I had passed my MSF, purchased my gear, got my motorcycle endorsement and was now, officially, on the market for a used motorcycle. That's when I was introduced to Ben.

Ben's a college student who had been riding for two years. He had a 2014 Kawasaki Ninja 300 ABS Special Edition that he learned to ride on. I was invited over to his house to take a look at the bike. So, on July 24th, gear in hand, barely out of its packaging, tags still dangling from the pants, I paid him a visit. I must have looked like a moron. (Oops, that's an ANT!!)

Ben described the bike in every detail. Every service record was kept in a Manila folder, along with the title. Ben described all work he had done to the bike and all work he knew NEEDED to be done to the bike. After the oral description and the brief walk-around, he asked if I wanted to take a test ride.

"Look," I said, quite anxiously, "I just got done with the MSF and have very little experience. I obviously don't own it and I don't want to damage it."

Ben chuckled. "Let me show you the ropes."

For the next 30 minutes, Ben basically gave me a riding lesson on his motorcycle. Despite the MSF, every bike feels different and has its own... personality. Ben showed me the clutch friction zone, showed me where to rev the throttle to take off, and stood there holding the bike while I got the feel down for starting off so that I didn't just kill it or otherwise fall over. In 20 minutes or so, I was doing 180s in his cul-de-sac. They were slow, and a foot was down most of the time, but they were still 180s.

Ben had absolutely no reason to go out of his way to show me the ropes on his bike, just like Elliot didn't have to take the time to make sure my helmet fit. They did it anyway. There were at least three other people in Cycle Gear who pointed out the various features, drawbacks and value of the boots, jackets and pants I would try on, and I forgot all of their names except for Joe, who works there, and I now see on the regular.

What is the one thing all of these guys had in common? I was a perfect stranger to them, and they showed me kindness, patience, and friendship. I was foreign to this newfound world and the people in it and was welcomed before I owned anything at all.

Of course, it doesn't end there.

Ben knew Nate, and Nate is a mechanic. On August 5th, he inspected Ben's bike for me, reinforced what Ben already said about it needing new sprockets, a chain, and a brake fluid flush, then offered to do the work himself in his garage so that I didn't have to pay full price at a dealership.

On August 8th, Ben drove the Kawi to my home, where we signed papers and he handed over the keys. I bought a bike. More than that, I made a new friend. Several, really.

After months of thinking, praying, consulting, questioning, and watching in awe at how everything was unfolding in front of me almost supernaturally, my two-wheeled adventure commenced.

Meet Gunblade, my motorcycle.

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!

No "No," All Systems Go

 Gun's Quote:

"I think it's a great idea!"

-Dr. Brown

"I think this makes sense."

-Fr. Vince

"I think you should go for it."

-Bill

"Well, you're an adult. If this will get your mind right, I'm all for it."

-Mom

"Gary, you've been happier in the last several months than I have seen you in years. Of course you should do it."

-Chris

Nobody said, "No." Not even Mom.

On July 12th, after meeting with Fr. Vince, I explained why I thought I should buy a motorcycle and how it could help teach me virtue. He agreed my logic was sound.

On July 14th, after meeting with my therapist, Bill, he agreed that getting started on a motorcycle would be very healthy and provide many benefits by challenging myself in new ways.

On July 15th, I met with my psychiatrist, Dr. Brown, who not only agreed that starting a new "hobby" was a great idea, but he was excited for it. Knowing I have been struggling for a while, he really emphasized that doing something novel could tremendously help my mental health, especially in light of trying so many other medical options with marginal success.

Only July 23rd, I watched a DanDanTheFireman YouTube video where DanDan interviewed a motovlogger by the name of "Walterrific." DanDan was interviewing Walter because Walter had a motorcycle accident and the two were discussing what happened, how it could have been prevented, how the EMTs did their job and the lessons learned. During the video, DanDan asked Walter about Mental Health. It was surprising to me... why did this have anything to do with an After Action Review of a motorcycle accident?

It was because DanDan and Walterrific had both publicly discussed that they had struggled with Depression on their YouTube channels. This caught my attention.

I looked up Walterrific's YouTube channel and searched for these videos that Walter posted about Depression. He was very candid and transparent, and I very much appreciated listening to his perspective. The idea that a guy in his late 20s was posting videos to a YouTube subscriber base of 2.4 million people about his mental health struck me as very brave. Beyond that, Walter talked about how his bike was his "therapy."

Even sitting at the DMV that exact same day didn't put up a barrier. (I decided to get the motorcycle endorsement just in case I decided to do this so that I could test-drive bikes) The State of Kansas mailed me a form to take to the DMV after passing the MSF, but they checked the wrong box. So, when I went into the DMV, they said they couldn't put the motorcycle endorsement on my license because the form was filled out wrong. Because it's the DMV and you wait for days to get in, I asked if we could call Topeka and work it out over the phone. Slightly taken aback by my request, the attendant asked me to wait for just a second and that she would go ask her supervisor.

Her supervisor shows up and re-explains the situation to me about the form. I asked again if we could call the Treasury Department in Topeka and straighten the situation out over the phone. Her response? "We are the Treasury Department. Kansas' DMV and Treasury Department are the same department."

"So... the form came from you..."

She just looked at me with those eyes and that smirk that says, "Touche."

"OK, you passed the MSF?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And you did it on a motorcycle, not a tricycle?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Then she took out a pen, scratched out the incorrect box on the form, checked the correct one, initialed it, handed it to the attendant and said, "Process his license."

Seriously... even the government seemed to bend over backwards to make this happen for me. Nobody, and I mean nobody, said, "No."

It was as if the universe was conspiring to make this happen, and yet, there was a part of me that was still on the fence. Part of me was still unsure. Part of me was scared. This was radical. This was a risk. Was it really the right call?

On July 30th, I watched a YouTube video by Walterrific that would answer that question for certain.

It's Hard to Be Upset On a Motorcycle

As one last gut-check, I asked my roommate, Chris, if I should buy a bike. He looked at me like I had three heads. Between taking the MSF, doing the researching, seeking the advice and counsel of friends and family and being excited about the idea in general, I became happier. He could tell. He told me I would be an idiot if I didn't move forward. Sometimes you need tough love like that.

Defeating the ANTs. Virtue. Therapy. Nobody said "No." Nobody said "Don't do this." As a matter of fact, to my surprise, I was encouraged to go for it.

So, I did.

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!

It's Not About the Bike

Gun's Quote:

"[But] take care not to perform righteous deeds in order that people may see them; otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father."

-Matthew 6:1

Shortly after signing up for the MSF, I went to Missouri Boys State to volunteer as a Staff Member.

This year was unique for Boys State for many reasons, but one of them was because I had to help solve a problem that directly impacted one of our Staff Members. I'm not going to tell you what that was. For his privacy, (and the fact that it is not my story to tell) I will not expand upon the particulars of the situation. To be succinct, I helped a fellow Staff Member and friend through a personal situation. I ensured that only the people that needed to know what was going on knew what was going on. As a "thank you," he bought me a book: God, A Motorcycle and the Open Road, by Tim Riter.

I had told Boys State Staff members that I was considering a bike while I was there, so I had to giggle when the book showed up in the mail. At that point, I wasn't "committed."

The weekend after Boys State, it was time to take my MSF class.

I showed up, knowing nothing other than what I had seen on YouTube. I had never sat on a bike before. During the class, I sat on and learned the basics about riding a motorcycle. I had a blast! I passed the class with flying colors, and even got a perfect score on the written portion of the class. To be honest, it's a class I would recommend to pretty much anybody. This wasn't just a "motorcycle class;" it was a class that really helped you become a better driver, period.

Yet, after the class, I was an emotional wreck. It took me a long time to figure out why.

There was this extraordinary, weird juxtaposition of having fun, yet feeling guilty. The left-side of my brain was infuriated; "Why in the hell are you considering dropping money on this? This is a money pit!" The right side of my brain was imploring, "Life is short; go have fun." I was trying to justify going down the motorcycle path, and at the same time, I was trying to justify not going down the motorcycle path. I just wanted a direction; I didn't particularly care which one it was.

Fr. Vince said I had to start down a path to see if that path was for me, so that's exactly what I did. My expectation was that the MSF would "prove" to me that I should or shouldn't do this, one way or the other. That didn't happen. Did it teach me that I enjoyed it? Yes. Did it show me I could learn a new "trick?" Yes. Did it justify the money? No. Did it help me challenge my ANTs? Yes. So, with the ANTs challenged, was I done? No. There was so much more to learn. My curiosity spiked, rather than vice versa. That rabbit hole was deep, and I found myself wanting to know more about what was down there. That meant more money, more time and more potential in being disappointed if it didn't work out.

Thus, I was still on the fence. I still wasn't committed. I still didn't know if I should move forward or not, and I found that incredibly disappointing and disheartening. I wanted an answer, and I didn't get it.

Why was I doing this? Did I want to do this? What do I want? What am I doing?

A few days after that, I woke up and jumped in the shower, as per typical morning routine. Shower time is also reflection and prayer time, (don't judge) and I was contemplating the whole situation. None of this was making sense. What do I do?

While I know the following will just sound weird or make-believe by some of my readers, I must give witness to what happened as I experienced it. While standing there in the shower, thinking about all these things, I heard the still, small voice of God. He said:

"It's not about the bike."

Of course.

I flew out of the shower and ran in to my Family Room where I keep my prayer books. Sitting on top was the book that the Staff Member gave to me from Boys State. I threw it open, and I read.

And I read.

And I read.

What did I read? That this was about an experience. That experience would challenge me to grow again. It would challenge me to learn something new again. It would require me to be humble and ask for advice and help again. It would make me uncomfortable again. It would make me face my fears again. It would make me more childlike again, requiring me to experience something new with wonder and curiosity, not begrudgingly and cynically. It would require me to grow in patience with myself and others, and to cut out arrogance and stubbornness. It would require me to forgive myself when I messed up, and it would require me to forgive others when they mess up. It would require discipline. It would require "healthy" fear of real risks to life and limb. It would require working to mitigate those risks.

This wasn't about a bike. It has never been about a bike. It has been about defeating apathy and challenging the status quo. It was about sacrificing the mundane in order to be able to pursue greatness. It was about VIRTUE. Yes, it was about choosing a challenge that would require me to grow in virtue, so that those virtues could be applied to other areas of my life that were stale, stagnant and had plateaued.

Like my Depression. Like my tolerance for sin. Like my physical health. Like my work. Like my youth group.

Like my life.

The pieces were falling into place. Somehow, someway, this was starting to come together. The ANTs. Challenging the ANTs. Talking to my therapist. Talking to my priest. Taking the MSF. Reading a book that answered questions and revealed problems I didn't know I had. Was this happenstance? Was this coincidence?

Was this really going to happen?

This was about growing in Virtue. This wasn't about being a Depression victim, it was about becoming a Depression Victor.

This wasn't about a bike. It never was.

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!

Walking Up to the Rabbit Hole

 Gun's Quote:

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

-Maya Angelou

There is no way I can write this week's Gun's Quote the way that I envisioned it. The last two weeks don't permit it.

I never, ever intend for one of these posts to be a lecture. I am thoroughly convinced that the best way to inspire or to teach somebody is to tell your story. Nobody wants a lecture. Everybody wants to hear a good story.

Tonight is different. Tonight, I feel compelled and convicted to let the whole world know something that it needs to know. Something I've known, occasionally forgotten, and then had to be reminded of:

Absolutely everything you say and do matters.

Everything. Absolutely.

Never, ever forget that.

Frankly, I don't want to get into the details of how I have had to (re-)learn that lesson over the course of the last several weeks. It's embarrassing. I'm quite ashamed of it. Suffice it to say that I had to face situations where I hurt other people. I've had to say, "I'm sorry." I've had to acknowledge flawed judgement and/or making a bad call. I've had to look at decisions I've made, where I thought I was "in the right," only to find out later, through the lens of hindsight, that I was very, very wrong.

It's one thing to make a mistake. It's a whole other thing to have that mistake cause another person pain. I have caused people pain. Nothing about that is OK.

I suppose that's one of the reasons why I was attracted to the YouTube channel "DanDan the Fireman," as mentioned in previous weeks. He dissects how and why people make mistakes on motorcycles. The analysis was fascinating, and I was completely and totally nerding-out on the analytics of identifying a mistake and figuring out how to prevent it in the future.

It was through the binge-watching of his videos that I would learn about the MSF. (Motorcycle Safety Foundation.) "DanDan" is a MSF instructor. The Basic Rider Course that the MSF has developed is put on around various locations across the country. It's a two-and-a-half-day course that includes typical classroom instruction and then riding around in a parking lot so that a complete newb can learn how to ride a motorcycle. For $250, you show up to your local community college, take the class and learn how to ride a bike. In Kansas, the MSF counts as your "Drivers Test" for your motorcycle endorsement on your driver's license, so you get to "test out" of having to take that test when you show up to the DMV. Also in Kansas, there is a grant for taking the MSF. Sign a piece of paper after passing the class, mail it to Topeka, and in three weeks you get a check for $50.

All of this is before you buy a bike, gear, or any other financial commitment. You literally can drop just two Benjamins and jump on a bike for two days. Don't like it? Fine, you can be done. Do like it? Great! Now you can buy all the other stuff.

$200 is nothing to see if this was going to be something I wanted to do or not.

This was the "How" part of the question I addressed two weeks ago. How do I decide whether or not I'm pursuing this? How do I learn how to ride a motorcycle? How do I decide if this is going to happen? The MSF.

I looked it up online, found a class a few weeks away, dropped my money and was enrolled.

Then I told my mom. (Don't hide this stuff from your parents. Things won't end well for you.)

Then I went to Missouri Boys State to volunteer as a Staff Member, as I do every year. (Except last year because of COVID) Oddly, that presented a completely different perspective on this whole motorcycle thing, and one that simply can't be overlooked.

It was the beginning of the Summer at this point, and in June 2021, I would learn much about how I make people feel. (This time, in a good way.)

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!

Discernment

Gun's Quote:

"In everything you do consider well what you do..."

-Excerpt from The Imitation of Christ, Thomas á Kempis, Book 3, Chapter 25 (Emphasis Added)

Whenever I needed to answer the question "How" throughout the course of my life, I looked to science.

Whenever I needed to answer the question "Why" throughout the course of my life, I looked to religion.

Not once have I ever considered these two subjects at odds with one another. I firmly believe that they inform one another. (That's another post for another day...)

I see a Spiritual Director at least once a month. (For non-Catholics, this is generally a priest or Religious person who can be likened to something of a "personal trainer" or "coach" for practicing the Catholic Faith.) When the question of "Why?" started to show up after working my way through the motorcycle ANTs, it was time to bring it to Fr. Vince's attention.

Fr. Vince was my Spiritual Director for years. We had gotten to know one another well, and he was particularly good about being able to "see through my BS." If I needed a sounding board or second opinion on whether or not a decision was aligned with God's Will in my life, he was my go-to guy.

We had many discussions about my struggles with mental health, my "boredom," and what God wanted me to do about it.

There was no way God wanted me on a bike. I just knew it. Fr. Vince would show me my then-perceived "logical flaw," prove why he was right and I was wrong, and that would squish this issue for good. Then "The Bike" would go away and I could move on to "the next thing" that I should be evaluating in terms of what God wanted me to do.

"How do I discern this?" I would ask.

The response?

"Well, you have to start down the path you are discerning to see what is actually on that path. You have to inform yourself of what is involved or required and start taking the steps necessary to do it in order to evaluate whether or not God is calling you to that path." (Paraphrased)

I'm flabbergasted.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa..." I interjected. "You're basically saying that if I wanted to decide whether or not I should do drugs or have sex I should try drugs or sex, right?"

"No."

"What's the difference?"

The difference was morality. It was good and evil.

Is there anything intrinsically immoral about riding a motorcycle? No. Intrinsically evil? No. Does it break a Commandment? No. Whether you are deciding to buy a bike, ask somebody to marry you or chose a major, the process looks exactly the same: "Is this evil or wrong?" No? OK, then, you have to take the steps down the path to see what is down the path. Don't start down a path you already know is wrong or evil. No point. Not sure what it is? Go down the path and see for yourself. If it isn't for you, stop going down the path. It's that simple. (OK... we all know that it isn't THAT simple...)

Honestly, that's just common sense for life in general. Most people date for some time before they propose marriage. Most people have interviews before they get a job. Most people test drive a car before they buy a car. Nobody "knows" what they should do until they actually start taking the steps necessary to do "it," whatever "it" is. This applies to careers, cars, college and pretty much any decision we must make in life.

Why should this be any different?

The idea that God might have this in His plan was just patently absurd and ridiculous. Jesus didn't ride a bike. (Don't you love arguments like that?) Jesus didn't use material possessions in His miracles...

Oh, wait.

Jesus turned water in to wine. Jesus called Simon Peter by filling his fishing boat with so many fish it started sinking. Jesus fed 5,000 people with five loaves and two fishes. Jesus cured a blind man with mud and spit. Jesus cured a hemorrhaging woman when she touched his cloak.

"If you want to know if God wants you to do something," he concluded, "Start doing it. If it's the wrong path, you'll know. If it's the right path, you'll know. If you never go down the path, you'll never know."

I literally had a Catholic Priest tell me that I should explore getting a motorcycle. He gave me permission. He found no harm in it. There was no logical flaw. There was no evil. There was no wrong.

It was time to see just how far the rabbit hole goes. My expectation was that I would go down it, find out it wasn't God's Will or my will, turn around, and crawl out.

That led to the next question: "How?"

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!

Acceptance

 Gun's Quote:

"It's hard to accept the truth when the lies were exactly what you wanted to hear."

-Various

We're jumping back to chronological order.

We left off at me trying to avoid my ANTs by convincing myself that riding a motorcycle would be a terrible idea. I was on YouTube watching wrecks. It was everything I could do to burn into my skull that this was too dangerous of an idea and something I couldn't pursue.

It didn't work.

Most of the videos I was watching had commentary in them, and it wasn't what I was expecting. The videos didn't just show wrecks for wrecks' sake... They weren't put up there as "Scare" videos or "Look at this idiot" videos, but were often put up for educational purposes. Sure, most of the content was uncensored. I saw hurt people with bad injuries in agony. I also saw people who were helping them. I saw videos on how EMTs, Fire Fighters and Police did their jobs, what roles they had and how they worked together to save a perfect stranger's life. (One of the indirect consequences of watching this content was an even greater appreciation for our Law Enforcement and Emergency Medical Response Communities.)

Then I started watching videos where a Fire Fighter who called himself "Dan Dan the Fireman" did "After Action Reviews" of various motorcycle crashes and close calls. This wasn't just a completely different perspective of a crash; this was a critical review and analysis on why the crash even occurred in the first place. Dan Dan would point out various risk factors that he saw during the recorded video and then speak to how all of the factors combined led to a crash or close call. To go one step further, he would explain how a bystander could render first aid to keep an injured rider alive until the ambulance arrived on the scene.

Some of the factors could be identified by anybody: Speeding, watching your phone instead of the road, not checking your blind spot, etc. Others were more subtle: The sun was behind the rider, so the car driver turning on to the road had the sun in his/her eyes and couldn't see as well, blinding them to the fact that there was a biker there.

I learned about "Inattentional Blindness," which is failing to see a clearly visible object because your attention was focused on something else. I learned about "Selective Attention," which is how the brain selects and processes specific information it deems relevant, while simultaneously suppressing the processing of information it deems irrelevant. I learned about how motorcycle riders can attract the attention of other drivers, making themselves more visible and known, which reduces the likelihood of them having a car accidentally turn in to them. It didn't stop there.

Something that really got my attention was pattern recognition. I, personally, would never have called it that, and I also know that I have been subconsciously doing it for years. Recognizing subtle patterns in traffic can lead you to predict - with creepy accuracy - what a car is about to do. Cars won't change lanes unless they have a reason to. What are the reasons? Because there is an upcoming exit or turn they need to take. Because the cars in front of them are too slow or stopped. Because there is something in the road they need to avoid. Why wouldn't they change lanes? Because their lane is already the fastest. Because they can see no obstacles in front of them. Here is the big one that is so blatantly obvious but nevertheless overlooked: Because they have something keeping them from doing so.

If the person in front of you is slow and you want to get around them, you have to wait until there is an opening in the adjacent lane. If you see an opening, you go. Let's pretend you are a motorcyclist in that open lane, further back. Cars on your right are going slower than you are. Somebody wants to pass. The sun is at your back. They are looking for a car, not a motorcycle, (Inattentional Blindness/Selective Attention) so they assume the lane is open. Boom. Creamed motorcyclist... UNLESS YOU KNOW THE PATTERN. Knowing the sun is to your back, that there is slower traffic ahead and seeing a gap open up between you and other cars in front of you means somebody is going to jump at the opportunity to change lanes. If you know that's going to happen, you slow down and cover your break lever. Watch car tires. When they turn, the car turns. The faster you recognize the pattern and can prepare for somebody changing lanes, the sooner you can get out of their way.

Was it a 100% guarantee that nothing bad would happen? Of course not. Not every wreck can be avoided, and there are definitely times when drivers or other riders do truly negligent things. (e.g., Drunk Driving) That said, it never occurred to me that a rider could use pattern recognition to predict when something bad was going to happen before it actually did. It gave them the ability to act. It gave them the ability to reduce risk.

Is motorcycling dangerous? Yes. There is empirical evidence to support this statement. Are there things that can be done to reduce that danger? Yes. There is empirical evidence to support this statement, too.

Beyond the above learnings, something else happened: I learned basic motorcycling concepts. The clutch is the left lever. Front brake is the right. Rear brake is right foot. Shifter is left foot. Throttle is right handlebar grip. Here's how you turn. Here's how you swerve. Here's how you pick up your bike if you fall over.

Time to update my spreadsheet: (New Challenges in Bold)

ANT: "I'd kill myself on that thing."

Cognitive Distortion: Jumping to Conclusions

Challenge: You have no idea what would happen if you rode a motorcycle. Death is a possibility, but it is a very, very small one and impossible if you don't ride at all. Additionally, you have learned about pattern recognition, analyzing various risk factors and have been able how to identify how to reduce the risk of injury or death.

ANT: "I could never ride one."

Cognitive Distortion: Jumping to Conclusions

Challenge: You could learn. Want proof? See below.

ANT: "There's no way I could learn how to ride a motorcycle."

Cognitive Distortion: Jumping to Conclusions

Challenge: You have learned hundreds, if not thousands, of individual skills, talents and abilities. You have continuously demonstrated the ability to endure through difficulty and hardship and reach your goals. If you wanted to do this, you could. Watching YouTube has introduced you to basic motorcycle controls and functions. It has introduced you to how to ride defensively. This clearly indicates that your conclusion is false as you are proving yourself fully capable of learning. You are learning how to ride a motorcycle already. YOU ARE LEARNING HOW TO RIDE A MOTORCYCLE.

...

At this point, I need to briefly pause and point out something quite personal. At the moment in time when these ANTs were slowly becoming undone, there was tremendous emotion. On one hand, it was very liberating to feel like I could learn or do something I thought I couldn't do. On the other, it was disappointing and even saddening to learn that I was wrong about thinking otherwise.

For as bad as it was to learn that I was wrong, however, it was agonizing to face the reality that I was the one handcuffing myself. I was the one reinforcing my lies. I was the one who refused to learn or explore new things. I was the one limiting or even oppressing myself. It was a juxtaposition of freedom and regret at the same time. It was tremendously jarring for me to both accept I had been telling myself a lie while learning a truth that was both freeing and empowering. It was incredibly frustrating to not be able to find a scapegoat, blame somebody else or otherwise "play the victim." This wasn't Gun vs. anything or anybody else. This was Gun vs. Gun. It was, in a way, an existential crisis.

What does every existential crisis eventually lead to? A question:

"Why?"

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!

Get Up

 Gun's Quote:

"Get up!"

-Great Prince of the Forest

I wasn't going to get out of chronological order writing these, but one of the biggest reasons I bought a motorcycle was exactly and precisely because of what happened on Wednesday.

Well-intentioned friends and riders alike both tried to warn me that dropping a motorcycle is an inevitable experience, akin to babies falling over when they first start learning to walk. They'll be going along just fine on two feet, and then wobble and fall down, seemingly for no reason. I plan, as I always do, (and should) to have a safe, fun and accident-free experience every time I ride. I do not expect to crash or fall down. (To do so would technically be an ANT... Jumping to Conclusions)

It got to the point to where I didn't think it WOULD happen, and that these fellow riders were wrong, because I've been riding all Summer without an incident. We call this arrogance.

On Wednesday, I dropped it. We call this Humility.

I'm sitting at a stop light. I'm stopped. I'm used to letting off of the front break, (right hand) holding the bike stopped with the rear break (right foot) and holding in the clutch (left hand) because bikes are manual. I didn't realize how steep the hill was I was on, and the amount of pressure I was applying to the rear break wasn't enough. The bike rolled forward, maybe two or three inches, and that's all it took.

Because my left hand was on the clutch and my right hand was dangling on the side, the handlebars turned left, leaning the bike to the left. My left leg is down holding everything up, but moving forward those two or three inches was enough to put enough bend in my knee that I didn't have the strength to hold up the weight of a bike now falling over to the left.

Down she went. Slowly, controlled, but down nonetheless.

Of course, there's traffic behind me. Pretty sure there are women in the car right behind me watching this all play out. Nice.

They teach you in Motorcycle Safety Class how to properly pick up your downed bike. I walked over to the side, butt towards bike, crouched down, grabbed a handlebar with one hand and grabbed the frame with the other and basically performed a reverse deadlift. Back up.

The next thing you have to do is get off to the side of the road. Check for damage, leaking fluids and, of course, check yourself for damage and leaking fluids. (Or, maybe even some solids of the brown variety...)

I knew I had no injuries, (controlled fall) but the bike's gear shifter was bent. I couldn't get it back in to gear. So, I ended up calling my roommate who came to my rescue with my toolbox to bend the shifter back in to place.

The only thing that was really hurt or damaged was my ego.

At this point in my life, I have become tremendously cynical. Long gone is my idealism that my being an engineer could help the planet/environment/carbon footprint, etc. The vast majority of the time I see rich white men building themselves buildings with Italian marble tile to impress clients and boost their image, but with no regard for environmental stewardship. That's below them. I legitimately sat in a meeting one time with a CEO of a local Kansas City software company who refused to allocate the money in the construction budget for a recycling bin section in the large, elegant break room cabinetry. "If it's not going to help me sell more software, I don't care about it," he said.

Long gone is naivety that youth ministry will ALWAYS produce strong, faithful Catholics. Youth ministry has also produced adults who have no faith at all, don't follow their faith or who are not being there for their families, the poor, the underserved and the abused or neglected. I've encountered far more Christians-in-name-only than authentic Christians.

Long gone are the hopes that Boys State will ALWAYS produce quality statesmen. There are plenty of guys who show up for a week of fun, with no intention of using the experience beyond having a good time with the boys.

We, as a nation, have completely failed in our response to the Coronavirus, international Terrorism in the form of the Taliban and protection of the innocent, unborn, refugee, uneducated and impoverished. At least the roads are well-paved.

We are all human, all have flaws, and all fall short of who we could be, but watching shortcoming after shortcoming was really getting to me.

Intrinsic trust or naïve, Utopian expectations aren't always a good thing, but neither is assuming that what you do doesn't matter or that you have no ability whatsoever to make a difference in the world. That kind of attitude leads to giving up and giving in.

It was an attitude that was creeping in, and it was time to dispel it. It was time to start whipping cynicism's butt. How?

By picking my bike up off of the street, people staring at me from their cars the entire time.

Riding a bike is hard. Picking one up and getting back on it is harder. I needed an experience where I could remind myself that quitting isn't an option and that giving up wasn't on the table.

Why buy a bike? I needed to re-teach myself to get up.

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!

Avoidance

 Gun's Quote:

"Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict, and the best long-term strategy to ensure suffering."

-Brendon Burchard

...So why the reaction?

Anybody who knows me at all knows I don't use 4-letter words. There isn't a need to dive into this; just know that if I'm swearing, it's because I'm emotionally charged up. It takes quite a bit.

There was real debate as to whether I should post the actual words in last week's post. I'm not a fan of them, but I ultimately settled on saying exactly what I said because, well, I wanted to paint the picture of how I reacted. I was completely shocked. I was emotional. I was jarred.

But why?

Understand that I had been dealing with ANTs for years by that point. There were some NASTY ones. Many of the ANTs I had been telling myself were deeply personal, highly toxic lies I had been buying for the majority of my lifetime. Some thoughts took months to discuss with Bill to get to a resolution. When you buy in to something, even if that something is a lie, it isn't simply dismissed. Watch any of a plethora of YouTube videos of people finding out they were adopted and their parents aren't their biological parents. Watch people finding out their spouse has been unfaithful. Watch parents learning that their children had been abused by caretakers. Hell, watch kids finding out Santa Claus isn't real. These people are undergoing real trauma. When you think something is one way and you find out it isn't, you go into shock and you get very defensive.

What was it about these ANTs that stirred me up so much? Was it because they had been there for so long? Was it because I didn't notice them for more than a decade? Looking back in hindsight, I think it probably had more to do with the "Challenge" portion:

ANT: "I'd kill myself on that thing."

Cognitive Distortion: Jumping to Conclusions

Challenge: You have no idea what would happen if you rode a motorcycle. Death is a possibility, but it is a very, very small one and impossible if you don't ride at all.

Well, that Challenge sucks. The Challenge renders the ANT Null and Void because I don't ride. That's great, but it doesn't answer what WOULD happen if I DID ride. Curiosity would ensue.

ANT: "I could never ride one."

Cognitive Distortion: Jumping to Conclusions

Challenge: You could learn.

Ha! Why would I want to do that? There's no way I could learn how to ride a motorcycle. I don't have one, don't know anybody who does, and why would I spend large sums of money on something that I wouldn't know how to ride that might end up killing me?

That produced another ANT:

"There's no way I could learn how to ride a motorcycle."

Cognitive Distortion: Jumping to Conclusions

Challenge: You have learned hundreds, if not thousands, of individual skills, talents and abilities. You have continuously demonstrated the ability to endure through difficulty and hardship and reach your goals. If you wanted to do this, you could.

Now that presents a real problem. I could learn. But I don't want to. I think. Maybe. But actually, I kinda do. What would it be like? Would I like it? I think I would, but what if I didn't? Then I'm out tons of money. What if I never learned and always wondered "What If?" No, wait... WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!

...

This is the part of the series where we get to talk about what to do when you don't like the Challenge portion of the ANT. You should never do this, of course, but, of course, I did. If you don't want to challenge your ANTs, you reinforce your ANTs. This is precisely the opposite of what you should be doing and isn't helpful in any way whatsoever. That said, some people, myself included, would rather live with their ANTs than risk challenging them, because to do so would result in some sort of an existential crisis. It's the same shock as above; when you are tied to a lie, you would rather reinforce the lie than know the truth. Knowing the truth requires you to change. People don't want to do that.

Treating Depression requires you to change. That's why so many people don't do it.

I jumped to YouTube. I would search for videos - often very gruesome - of motorcycle wrecks. I would see how people would end up badly hurt, screaming in agony, sometime limbs impaled or severed. There would be head trauma, bleeding out and compound fractures.

I had to reinforce that a motorcycle was dangerous, deadly and NOT something I wanted to pursue. I HAD to make sure my ANTs were right and my challenges were wrong. I HAD to avoid them, and to avoid them, I had to reinforce them so that they were unchallengeable.

...Of course, you know, it didn't end up that way...

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!

The Bad "B," "H," and "S"-Words

 Gun's Quote:

"...I'm bored."

-Me

I am a firm believer that the greatest gift we have is life. Without getting in to too much philosophy behind that idea, understand that there is no guarantee you will survive the day. I live in Kansas; A tornado may blow my house away tomorrow. A drunk driver can rear-end me into oncoming traffic. I might be at a ball game and a mass shooter shows up and I'm shot. Of course, living in a pandemic, we all know somebody who has had their life altered - or lost - by this terrible disease. We all just assume that we fall asleep and wake up the next morning, and those of us with general good health and youth quickly forget that may not be the case.

Having this belief, I'm very much a busybody, feeling like I need to be "doing something" at every moment of every day. Frankly, the attitude was quite unhealthy at points in life and got me in trouble on more than one occasion. I would over commit, over volunteer, or simply stretch myself too thin. While I wanted to "make the most out of every moment," you can (and I did) take it too far.

...But boredom? No. Never. I would NEVER, EVER allow myself to be bored. That, in my mind, was one of the worst possible things that could befall the human condition. To have this precious gift of life wasted by not knowing what to do or how to spend your time was an abomination that I couldn't comprehend. There was always something to do, be it work, leisure, sleep, prayer, whatever. To do nothing was horrific.

So, to sit in Bill's office, discussing The Plateau, and trying to find words to describe it, I probably spent at least a month (if not a little longer) avoiding the word altogether. To admit that I was bored was to admit not just that I was wasting the gift of life, but that I was violating one of my deepest, most principled values.

"Maybe you need a Hobby," he said.

Oh God. The "H"-word.

On and off, well-intentioned family and friends discussed the "H"-word with me. I quickly dismissed it. I didn't need something else to occupy my time, collect dust or otherwise spend my money on. It wasn't that I didn't already have plenty to do; it was that I was no longer experiencing joy doing what I was doing. Things that used to be fun, weren't. Things that used to be rewarding, weren't. Things that used to make me happy, weren't. So, to me, a "Hobby" was the last thing I needed. What I NEEDED was to find the joy in the things I was doing again. I didn't want to change them, I just wanted to change how I FELT about them.

"And how do you intend to do that?" Bill asked, with that smirk that he has when he knows he has defeated my logical reasoning.

If you want the outputs to be different, you must change the inputs. This implied two very important things:

1. The inputs (job, volunteering, friend group, etc.) were actually changing. I had to admit that I didn't enjoy certain things any longer because the people I was hanging out with, working with or volunteering with were different.
2. If the inputs were different now than they once were, I either needed to find new inputs (The "Hobby") or change the current inputs. (Different job, different volunteering, different friends, etc.)

I wanted none of the above. I wanted to go back to the way things used to be.

"All or Nothing Thinking."

Dammit.

...

I picked five hobbies to try:

1. Playing Guitar: This one just wasn't fun for me. Could I learn it? Maybe... the learning curve was steep and there was going to be a LONG time before I saw myself enjoying it. I didn't think I had the patience and the little tunes I did manage to crank out made me feel "Meh."
2. Singing: Some friends and family are in choir. They all seem to enjoy it. That said, I didn't like the idea of singing lessons, and I sure as hell wasn't going to show up to choir practice without having any idea of whether or not I could even hold a tune. That, and I have this rather odd self-consciousness about my voice.
3. Golf: Oh hell no. Too much money, ridiculously high frustration, I'm not naturally gifted with fine-motor skills anyway, and you'll get a sunburn. Let's spend a bunch of money on a sport that you'll suck at for years and probably still suck at in years. No wonder people get drunk playing this thing. It's basically masochism.
4. Disc Golf: Better. At least it costed way less, although I did feel guilty when I lost one of my friend's discs because I didn't own any and he let me borrow his. Still, getting frustrated with not getting the disc where I wanted it to go was going to keep me from enjoying this one long-term. I did like being outside, though...
5. Java: I actually enrolled in an online Java class. I took a programming class in college and enjoyed it, but nothing could prepare me for this learning curve. I have NEVER struggled in a class like that before. I could not figure out Java to save my life. It's rare that I take a class and feel genuinely dumb, but this was one of those times.

It was pretty dejecting to try the above and come up flat. It was a diverse list, something that I thought at the very least would point me in a direction. Aside from the fact that I liked being outside, I had nothing.

I was bored, and I had no idea what to do.

Of course, I had an interest in motorcycles, but that's all it was: An interest. Perhaps it was a curiosity. They were cool. The people on them were cool. I thought this since at least high school. One of my fraternity brothers had a bike. It was cool. He was cool. I went on a Colorado hiking trip last summer. There were a bunch of bikers parked at the continental divide. They were cool, too.

After seeing one go by, however, I would always say to myself, "I could never ride one. I'd kill myself on that thing."

"I could never ride one, my mother would flip out."

"I could never ride one..."

I don't remember when it happened, I just remember that it did. Years had gone by with those statements unchecked. Suddenly, abruptly, without warning, my CBT Alarm Bell went off:

OH. SHIT. THAT'S AN AUTOMATIC NEGATIVE THOUGHT!

I found myself staring down the throat of an ANT that had been attacking me for years. This time, though, was different. How have I been missing this all this time?

ANT: "I could never ride a motorcycle."

Cognitive Distortion: Jumping to Conclusions

Challenge: ...

I stared at the spreadsheet, the "Challenge" column empty. I'm sitting there, staring, shaking, with shivers going up and down my spine, because the only way that ANT was going to get challenged was with the following statement:

"You could learn."

OH.

SHIT.

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!

The ANTs Go Marching Two-by-Two

 Gun's Quote:

"You dumb, idiotic, retard."

-Me

It pains me to type the above quote. It was something I told myself for years. I would do something wrong and say the above statement to myself. I had no patience with myself. I couldn't accept the fact that in order to learn you had to make mistakes, and I felt like if I couldn't get it right the first time, every time, I was a failure.

The consequences of telling myself that statement for years on end, unchecked, led to the first breakdown. That was about eight years ago.

Long story short, I ended up calling a therapist group. The man who answered the phone was Bill. Bill and I set up our first appointment, and we have been seeing each other since. Today, we meet twice a month. Originally, we met at least once a week.

It was those therapy sessions where I learned about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT for short. CBT is a practice where you change your thinking patterns. It is based on the core principle that psychological problems are based, in part, on unhealthy thinking and/or behavior. Basically, therapy was learning how to change the way that I thought about myself.

There are several different forms of CBT methods. The original treatment plan I started with (and remains helpful today) is called the ANT Method.

ANT stands for "Automatic Negative Thought." It is the practice by which you identify the negative thoughts that you have, write down the Cognitive Disorder behind the thought and then challenge the thought.

In practice, this turned in to a spreadsheet for me. (I may or may not have a slightly unhealthy affinity for Excel, but that's another topic...) I created three columns in a spreadsheet. The first column was the ANT. The second column was the "Cognitive Disorder," and the third column was my challenge to the ANT based upon the identified Cognitive Disorder.

The Cognitive Disorders were presented to me in the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David Burns, M.D. A brief description of the disorders Dr. Burns identifies are below:

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: The concept that everything must be done perfectly because anything else is a failure.
2. Overgeneralization: Arbitrarily concluding that because something happened to you once, it must happen again. (Examples: Being turned down for a job, date, promotion, etc.)
3. Mental Filter: Filtering out anything positive and focusing exclusively on the negative.
4. Disqualifying the Positive: Transforming neutral or positive experiences in to negative ones by justifying that the positive or neutral experience is somehow invalid or untrue.
5. Jumping to Conclusions: Jumping to a negative conclusion that is not justified by the facts of the situation, or by no facts at all. An example of a conclusion with no facts at all would be something like "Fortune Telling" or "Mind Reading." You neither have any idea what the future holds, nor do you truly know what somebody else is thinking, but you make yourself think you do.
6. Magnification or Minimalization: Blowing things out of proportion or blowing off something important as unimportant.
7. Emotional Reasoning: Taking your emotions as evidence of truth. (I think or feel this way, therefore it must be true.)
8. Should Statements: Saying "I should do this" or "I must do that." (These statements cause you to feel pressured and resentful.)
9. Labeling and Mislabeling: Creating a negative self-imaged based upon your errors. "I'm a failure. If people knew the real me, they wouldn't like me. I am flawed."
10. Personalization: Assuming responsibility for a negative event when there is no basis for it being your fault.

Here is an example of what my spreadsheet looked like with the above quote:

• ANT: "I'm a dumb, idiotic retard."
• Cognitive Disorder: Labeling and Mislabeling
• Challenge: I have no diagnosed mental handicap, therefore the statement is false. All test scores, GPAs and academic metrics indicate that I'm in at least the 75th percentile of academic achievers, further proving the statement false. The facts clearly state that the ANT is false.

Note that I made no mention about the OFFENSIVENESS of the quote. Is it offensive? Without question. However, in challenging the thought, if I focus on what it is false, regardless of its offensive nature, I render the thought invalid, null and void. I don't need to focus on offensiveness; I need to focus on truth. Otherwise, I just argue with myself.

To-date, I have written down 56 ANTs in my spreadsheet. All of them, with the exception of two, (Work in progress...) have been challenged by identifying how I am thinking about them incorrectly and responding to them accordingly.

The ANT Method was the very foundation by which I started to heal the self-inflicted wounds I had been slinging upon myself for years.

I have trained myself to challenge my ANTs. I have also had to learn that having ANTs isn't a bad thing. We have hundreds of thousands of thoughts fly through our brains every day. People with Depression and Anxiety have a tendency of getting "hung up" on those thoughts, which is why the ANT Method is particularly helpful. Simply because I have an ANT doesn't make me "bad" or "wrong." I simply have to look at the ANT, show myself how the ANT is a Cognitive Disorder and then challenge it to remove its power over me.

To understand where I am at today, you have to know that the entire foundation of my therapy started here.

To understand how a motorcycle plays into this, you have to understand the ANTs. In actuality, the motorcycle journey really started right here. 

Next week, I'll start to explain why...

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!

RELOADED

Gun's Quote:

"It's hard to be upset on a motorcycle."

-Walterrific

I have tried to be as prudently transparent as possible about my mental health for two reasons: One, I think it helps me. Two, I think it helps you.

I am a Depression, Anxiety and ADD patient. I have been seeking the medical advice and counsel from a psychologist, psychiatrist and clergy for years. Talking about it is difficult; putting yourself out there publicly can be very risky. Sometimes your friends and family will interpret your posts as a "Cry for help," or otherwise become very concerned that you might be in danger of self-harm, even if that is very much not the case.

There is risk involved with being judged. You fear that people will try to avoid you or stigmatize you, or that your sharing may be interpreted as "playing the victim," or seeking attention or pity.

The final "fear" is perhaps odd; I have often feared sharing "success" stories; those times when I have been WELL. That isn't to say that I have been "cured," or that "I've made it," but saying, "I have Depression" while simultaneously saying "I'm doing well, even though I have Depression" may come across as puffing out my chest, as if I have somehow figured it out. That kind of pride can be catastrophic. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

So... Why put it out there at all? My intent is not to seek attention, pity or brag. My intent is to heal. One of the oddest things about Depression is that in order to properly treat it, you have to talk about it. You have to be vulnerable. You have to be willing to share. That's risky. That's hard. That's humbling.

Before I go much further, I suppose I should clarify exactly where I am going with this, lest a post on Mental Health lead others to become concerned or worried:

1. My current Depression, Anxiety and ADD are under control.
2. I am not suicidal. I am not self-harming.
3. I am continuing to take medication as prescribed and continue to attend therapy. I am aware that in order to properly manage this condition, I can't become complacent.
4. I have recently found new progress in treating and managing my condition. I'm in a much better place now than I was a year ago. I want to share that story with you.

That brings us to today. I haven't posted a Gun's Quote in years. Why now? What changed?

Well, I did.

...

In weight lifting, there is a concept known as a "Plateau." This incredibly annoying phenomenon is where you continue to increase the amount of weight you lift until suddenly you simply can't lift any more. Progress stops. You get discouraged. "Why can't I keep getting stronger?" I have caught myself saying, "What's the point? I can't do any better."

To be honest, I'm not sure what prompted the sudden realization that I had "Plateaued" with my Mental Health almost a year ago. I realized that things were "Good," but they weren't "Great." I wanted to be "Great." I was surviving, but I wasn't thriving.

It was a hard conversation to have with my doctors and therapist. I wanted more. Eventually, we came up with a hypothesis.

Since 2007, I have basically done the exact same things. I have gone to church. I have been an engineer in the HVAC industry. (Granted, there were three separate jobs in there, but all of them were in the industry and you pretty much work with the same people in the industry, regardless of employer.) I have been a member of Holy Trinity "CORE Team," a group of volunteers that help lead teens closer to Christ. I have been a member of the Missouri Boys State Staff. I have been a member of "City on a Hill" Catholic Young Adult Ministry. Of course, as mentioned above, I have been seeing professionals about my Mental Health.

It wasn't rocket science. I simply stopped growing. I stopped learning. I stopped challenging myself. I became comfortable with "where I was at" and had convinced myself that it was "just fine." I simply became satisfied with being "good." Nothing was changing because I was doing the exact same things.

In order to "break" the Plateau in weight lifting, you have to change the inputs. The diet has to change. The routine has to change. You have to do different lifts. Doing the same thing results in the same thing. This is true for weights, marriages, jobs, and yes, health. To get a different output, you must change your input.

So, after months of figuring out what that "thing" was with my therapist, psychiatrist, clergy and friends, I finally settled on learning to ride a motorcycle. If you would have asked me a year ago that I would be doing that today, I would have laughed in your face and told you that you were an idiot. It's completely and utterly ridiculous, and I suppose that's also why it's working.

God has a way of keeping us humble.

My intent over the course of the next several weeks is to share with you the journey I have been on for the last several months. I'm going to talk about why I chose this route and how it is helping. I'm going to talk about how it has been excruciatingly frustrating, and I'm going to talk about why that's a good thing, too. Again, I have no intention of claiming that I have "made it," "figured it out," or that I have found some Silver Bullet to all things Mental Health. I openly acknowledge there is much work to do and much more progress needs to be made. Yet, I have seen progress, and I think it is worth sharing. By doing so, I believe there will be more progress.

Every person and condition is different. If you are struggling in this area, I implore you to seek the advice and counsel of Mental Health professionals. Reading a blog is not "treatment," and, frankly, neither is buying a bike. At best, it is encouragement or inspiration for you to start your own journey, whatever that may look like for you. Hopefully, reading that somebody has been able to start healing again after a long "Plateau" will give you the confidence in knowing that you can heal, too, regardless of what life is throwing at you right now or how you choose to tackle it.

The Gun is Reloaded, and so are his quotes. I'm going to share with you my newest, most recent two-wheeled journey, why I chose it, what I'm learning from it and how it is helping me. It is an incomplete work in progress, but that's also kind of the point.

Enjoy the ride.

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!