RELOADED

Gun's Quote:

"It's hard to be upset on a motorcycle."

-Walterrific

I have tried to be as prudently transparent as possible about my mental health for two reasons: One, I think it helps me. Two, I think it helps you.

I am a Depression, Anxiety and ADD patient. I have been seeking the medical advice and counsel from a psychologist, psychiatrist and clergy for years. Talking about it is difficult; putting yourself out there publicly can be very risky. Sometimes your friends and family will interpret your posts as a "Cry for help," or otherwise become very concerned that you might be in danger of self-harm, even if that is very much not the case.

There is risk involved with being judged. You fear that people will try to avoid you or stigmatize you, or that your sharing may be interpreted as "playing the victim," or seeking attention or pity.

The final "fear" is perhaps odd; I have often feared sharing "success" stories; those times when I have been WELL. That isn't to say that I have been "cured," or that "I've made it," but saying, "I have Depression" while simultaneously saying "I'm doing well, even though I have Depression" may come across as puffing out my chest, as if I have somehow figured it out. That kind of pride can be catastrophic. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

So... Why put it out there at all? My intent is not to seek attention, pity or brag. My intent is to heal. One of the oddest things about Depression is that in order to properly treat it, you have to talk about it. You have to be vulnerable. You have to be willing to share. That's risky. That's hard. That's humbling.

Before I go much further, I suppose I should clarify exactly where I am going with this, lest a post on Mental Health lead others to become concerned or worried:

1. My current Depression, Anxiety and ADD are under control.
2. I am not suicidal. I am not self-harming.
3. I am continuing to take medication as prescribed and continue to attend therapy. I am aware that in order to properly manage this condition, I can't become complacent.
4. I have recently found new progress in treating and managing my condition. I'm in a much better place now than I was a year ago. I want to share that story with you.

That brings us to today. I haven't posted a Gun's Quote in years. Why now? What changed?

Well, I did.

...

In weight lifting, there is a concept known as a "Plateau." This incredibly annoying phenomenon is where you continue to increase the amount of weight you lift until suddenly you simply can't lift any more. Progress stops. You get discouraged. "Why can't I keep getting stronger?" I have caught myself saying, "What's the point? I can't do any better."

To be honest, I'm not sure what prompted the sudden realization that I had "Plateaued" with my Mental Health almost a year ago. I realized that things were "Good," but they weren't "Great." I wanted to be "Great." I was surviving, but I wasn't thriving.

It was a hard conversation to have with my doctors and therapist. I wanted more. Eventually, we came up with a hypothesis.

Since 2007, I have basically done the exact same things. I have gone to church. I have been an engineer in the HVAC industry. (Granted, there were three separate jobs in there, but all of them were in the industry and you pretty much work with the same people in the industry, regardless of employer.) I have been a member of Holy Trinity "CORE Team," a group of volunteers that help lead teens closer to Christ. I have been a member of the Missouri Boys State Staff. I have been a member of "City on a Hill" Catholic Young Adult Ministry. Of course, as mentioned above, I have been seeing professionals about my Mental Health.

It wasn't rocket science. I simply stopped growing. I stopped learning. I stopped challenging myself. I became comfortable with "where I was at" and had convinced myself that it was "just fine." I simply became satisfied with being "good." Nothing was changing because I was doing the exact same things.

In order to "break" the Plateau in weight lifting, you have to change the inputs. The diet has to change. The routine has to change. You have to do different lifts. Doing the same thing results in the same thing. This is true for weights, marriages, jobs, and yes, health. To get a different output, you must change your input.

So, after months of figuring out what that "thing" was with my therapist, psychiatrist, clergy and friends, I finally settled on learning to ride a motorcycle. If you would have asked me a year ago that I would be doing that today, I would have laughed in your face and told you that you were an idiot. It's completely and utterly ridiculous, and I suppose that's also why it's working.

God has a way of keeping us humble.

My intent over the course of the next several weeks is to share with you the journey I have been on for the last several months. I'm going to talk about why I chose this route and how it is helping. I'm going to talk about how it has been excruciatingly frustrating, and I'm going to talk about why that's a good thing, too. Again, I have no intention of claiming that I have "made it," "figured it out," or that I have found some Silver Bullet to all things Mental Health. I openly acknowledge there is much work to do and much more progress needs to be made. Yet, I have seen progress, and I think it is worth sharing. By doing so, I believe there will be more progress.

Every person and condition is different. If you are struggling in this area, I implore you to seek the advice and counsel of Mental Health professionals. Reading a blog is not "treatment," and, frankly, neither is buying a bike. At best, it is encouragement or inspiration for you to start your own journey, whatever that may look like for you. Hopefully, reading that somebody has been able to start healing again after a long "Plateau" will give you the confidence in knowing that you can heal, too, regardless of what life is throwing at you right now or how you choose to tackle it.

The Gun is Reloaded, and so are his quotes. I'm going to share with you my newest, most recent two-wheeled journey, why I chose it, what I'm learning from it and how it is helping me. It is an incomplete work in progress, but that's also kind of the point.

Enjoy the ride.

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!