Walking Up to the Rabbit Hole

 Gun's Quote:

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

-Maya Angelou

There is no way I can write this week's Gun's Quote the way that I envisioned it. The last two weeks don't permit it.

I never, ever intend for one of these posts to be a lecture. I am thoroughly convinced that the best way to inspire or to teach somebody is to tell your story. Nobody wants a lecture. Everybody wants to hear a good story.

Tonight is different. Tonight, I feel compelled and convicted to let the whole world know something that it needs to know. Something I've known, occasionally forgotten, and then had to be reminded of:

Absolutely everything you say and do matters.

Everything. Absolutely.

Never, ever forget that.

Frankly, I don't want to get into the details of how I have had to (re-)learn that lesson over the course of the last several weeks. It's embarrassing. I'm quite ashamed of it. Suffice it to say that I had to face situations where I hurt other people. I've had to say, "I'm sorry." I've had to acknowledge flawed judgement and/or making a bad call. I've had to look at decisions I've made, where I thought I was "in the right," only to find out later, through the lens of hindsight, that I was very, very wrong.

It's one thing to make a mistake. It's a whole other thing to have that mistake cause another person pain. I have caused people pain. Nothing about that is OK.

I suppose that's one of the reasons why I was attracted to the YouTube channel "DanDan the Fireman," as mentioned in previous weeks. He dissects how and why people make mistakes on motorcycles. The analysis was fascinating, and I was completely and totally nerding-out on the analytics of identifying a mistake and figuring out how to prevent it in the future.

It was through the binge-watching of his videos that I would learn about the MSF. (Motorcycle Safety Foundation.) "DanDan" is a MSF instructor. The Basic Rider Course that the MSF has developed is put on around various locations across the country. It's a two-and-a-half-day course that includes typical classroom instruction and then riding around in a parking lot so that a complete newb can learn how to ride a motorcycle. For $250, you show up to your local community college, take the class and learn how to ride a bike. In Kansas, the MSF counts as your "Drivers Test" for your motorcycle endorsement on your driver's license, so you get to "test out" of having to take that test when you show up to the DMV. Also in Kansas, there is a grant for taking the MSF. Sign a piece of paper after passing the class, mail it to Topeka, and in three weeks you get a check for $50.

All of this is before you buy a bike, gear, or any other financial commitment. You literally can drop just two Benjamins and jump on a bike for two days. Don't like it? Fine, you can be done. Do like it? Great! Now you can buy all the other stuff.

$200 is nothing to see if this was going to be something I wanted to do or not.

This was the "How" part of the question I addressed two weeks ago. How do I decide whether or not I'm pursuing this? How do I learn how to ride a motorcycle? How do I decide if this is going to happen? The MSF.

I looked it up online, found a class a few weeks away, dropped my money and was enrolled.

Then I told my mom. (Don't hide this stuff from your parents. Things won't end well for you.)

Then I went to Missouri Boys State to volunteer as a Staff Member, as I do every year. (Except last year because of COVID) Oddly, that presented a completely different perspective on this whole motorcycle thing, and one that simply can't be overlooked.

It was the beginning of the Summer at this point, and in June 2021, I would learn much about how I make people feel. (This time, in a good way.)

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!

Discernment

Gun's Quote:

"In everything you do consider well what you do..."

-Excerpt from The Imitation of Christ, Thomas á Kempis, Book 3, Chapter 25 (Emphasis Added)

Whenever I needed to answer the question "How" throughout the course of my life, I looked to science.

Whenever I needed to answer the question "Why" throughout the course of my life, I looked to religion.

Not once have I ever considered these two subjects at odds with one another. I firmly believe that they inform one another. (That's another post for another day...)

I see a Spiritual Director at least once a month. (For non-Catholics, this is generally a priest or Religious person who can be likened to something of a "personal trainer" or "coach" for practicing the Catholic Faith.) When the question of "Why?" started to show up after working my way through the motorcycle ANTs, it was time to bring it to Fr. Vince's attention.

Fr. Vince was my Spiritual Director for years. We had gotten to know one another well, and he was particularly good about being able to "see through my BS." If I needed a sounding board or second opinion on whether or not a decision was aligned with God's Will in my life, he was my go-to guy.

We had many discussions about my struggles with mental health, my "boredom," and what God wanted me to do about it.

There was no way God wanted me on a bike. I just knew it. Fr. Vince would show me my then-perceived "logical flaw," prove why he was right and I was wrong, and that would squish this issue for good. Then "The Bike" would go away and I could move on to "the next thing" that I should be evaluating in terms of what God wanted me to do.

"How do I discern this?" I would ask.

The response?

"Well, you have to start down the path you are discerning to see what is actually on that path. You have to inform yourself of what is involved or required and start taking the steps necessary to do it in order to evaluate whether or not God is calling you to that path." (Paraphrased)

I'm flabbergasted.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa..." I interjected. "You're basically saying that if I wanted to decide whether or not I should do drugs or have sex I should try drugs or sex, right?"

"No."

"What's the difference?"

The difference was morality. It was good and evil.

Is there anything intrinsically immoral about riding a motorcycle? No. Intrinsically evil? No. Does it break a Commandment? No. Whether you are deciding to buy a bike, ask somebody to marry you or chose a major, the process looks exactly the same: "Is this evil or wrong?" No? OK, then, you have to take the steps down the path to see what is down the path. Don't start down a path you already know is wrong or evil. No point. Not sure what it is? Go down the path and see for yourself. If it isn't for you, stop going down the path. It's that simple. (OK... we all know that it isn't THAT simple...)

Honestly, that's just common sense for life in general. Most people date for some time before they propose marriage. Most people have interviews before they get a job. Most people test drive a car before they buy a car. Nobody "knows" what they should do until they actually start taking the steps necessary to do "it," whatever "it" is. This applies to careers, cars, college and pretty much any decision we must make in life.

Why should this be any different?

The idea that God might have this in His plan was just patently absurd and ridiculous. Jesus didn't ride a bike. (Don't you love arguments like that?) Jesus didn't use material possessions in His miracles...

Oh, wait.

Jesus turned water in to wine. Jesus called Simon Peter by filling his fishing boat with so many fish it started sinking. Jesus fed 5,000 people with five loaves and two fishes. Jesus cured a blind man with mud and spit. Jesus cured a hemorrhaging woman when she touched his cloak.

"If you want to know if God wants you to do something," he concluded, "Start doing it. If it's the wrong path, you'll know. If it's the right path, you'll know. If you never go down the path, you'll never know."

I literally had a Catholic Priest tell me that I should explore getting a motorcycle. He gave me permission. He found no harm in it. There was no logical flaw. There was no evil. There was no wrong.

It was time to see just how far the rabbit hole goes. My expectation was that I would go down it, find out it wasn't God's Will or my will, turn around, and crawl out.

That led to the next question: "How?"

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!

Acceptance

 Gun's Quote:

"It's hard to accept the truth when the lies were exactly what you wanted to hear."

-Various

We're jumping back to chronological order.

We left off at me trying to avoid my ANTs by convincing myself that riding a motorcycle would be a terrible idea. I was on YouTube watching wrecks. It was everything I could do to burn into my skull that this was too dangerous of an idea and something I couldn't pursue.

It didn't work.

Most of the videos I was watching had commentary in them, and it wasn't what I was expecting. The videos didn't just show wrecks for wrecks' sake... They weren't put up there as "Scare" videos or "Look at this idiot" videos, but were often put up for educational purposes. Sure, most of the content was uncensored. I saw hurt people with bad injuries in agony. I also saw people who were helping them. I saw videos on how EMTs, Fire Fighters and Police did their jobs, what roles they had and how they worked together to save a perfect stranger's life. (One of the indirect consequences of watching this content was an even greater appreciation for our Law Enforcement and Emergency Medical Response Communities.)

Then I started watching videos where a Fire Fighter who called himself "Dan Dan the Fireman" did "After Action Reviews" of various motorcycle crashes and close calls. This wasn't just a completely different perspective of a crash; this was a critical review and analysis on why the crash even occurred in the first place. Dan Dan would point out various risk factors that he saw during the recorded video and then speak to how all of the factors combined led to a crash or close call. To go one step further, he would explain how a bystander could render first aid to keep an injured rider alive until the ambulance arrived on the scene.

Some of the factors could be identified by anybody: Speeding, watching your phone instead of the road, not checking your blind spot, etc. Others were more subtle: The sun was behind the rider, so the car driver turning on to the road had the sun in his/her eyes and couldn't see as well, blinding them to the fact that there was a biker there.

I learned about "Inattentional Blindness," which is failing to see a clearly visible object because your attention was focused on something else. I learned about "Selective Attention," which is how the brain selects and processes specific information it deems relevant, while simultaneously suppressing the processing of information it deems irrelevant. I learned about how motorcycle riders can attract the attention of other drivers, making themselves more visible and known, which reduces the likelihood of them having a car accidentally turn in to them. It didn't stop there.

Something that really got my attention was pattern recognition. I, personally, would never have called it that, and I also know that I have been subconsciously doing it for years. Recognizing subtle patterns in traffic can lead you to predict - with creepy accuracy - what a car is about to do. Cars won't change lanes unless they have a reason to. What are the reasons? Because there is an upcoming exit or turn they need to take. Because the cars in front of them are too slow or stopped. Because there is something in the road they need to avoid. Why wouldn't they change lanes? Because their lane is already the fastest. Because they can see no obstacles in front of them. Here is the big one that is so blatantly obvious but nevertheless overlooked: Because they have something keeping them from doing so.

If the person in front of you is slow and you want to get around them, you have to wait until there is an opening in the adjacent lane. If you see an opening, you go. Let's pretend you are a motorcyclist in that open lane, further back. Cars on your right are going slower than you are. Somebody wants to pass. The sun is at your back. They are looking for a car, not a motorcycle, (Inattentional Blindness/Selective Attention) so they assume the lane is open. Boom. Creamed motorcyclist... UNLESS YOU KNOW THE PATTERN. Knowing the sun is to your back, that there is slower traffic ahead and seeing a gap open up between you and other cars in front of you means somebody is going to jump at the opportunity to change lanes. If you know that's going to happen, you slow down and cover your break lever. Watch car tires. When they turn, the car turns. The faster you recognize the pattern and can prepare for somebody changing lanes, the sooner you can get out of their way.

Was it a 100% guarantee that nothing bad would happen? Of course not. Not every wreck can be avoided, and there are definitely times when drivers or other riders do truly negligent things. (e.g., Drunk Driving) That said, it never occurred to me that a rider could use pattern recognition to predict when something bad was going to happen before it actually did. It gave them the ability to act. It gave them the ability to reduce risk.

Is motorcycling dangerous? Yes. There is empirical evidence to support this statement. Are there things that can be done to reduce that danger? Yes. There is empirical evidence to support this statement, too.

Beyond the above learnings, something else happened: I learned basic motorcycling concepts. The clutch is the left lever. Front brake is the right. Rear brake is right foot. Shifter is left foot. Throttle is right handlebar grip. Here's how you turn. Here's how you swerve. Here's how you pick up your bike if you fall over.

Time to update my spreadsheet: (New Challenges in Bold)

ANT: "I'd kill myself on that thing."

Cognitive Distortion: Jumping to Conclusions

Challenge: You have no idea what would happen if you rode a motorcycle. Death is a possibility, but it is a very, very small one and impossible if you don't ride at all. Additionally, you have learned about pattern recognition, analyzing various risk factors and have been able how to identify how to reduce the risk of injury or death.

ANT: "I could never ride one."

Cognitive Distortion: Jumping to Conclusions

Challenge: You could learn. Want proof? See below.

ANT: "There's no way I could learn how to ride a motorcycle."

Cognitive Distortion: Jumping to Conclusions

Challenge: You have learned hundreds, if not thousands, of individual skills, talents and abilities. You have continuously demonstrated the ability to endure through difficulty and hardship and reach your goals. If you wanted to do this, you could. Watching YouTube has introduced you to basic motorcycle controls and functions. It has introduced you to how to ride defensively. This clearly indicates that your conclusion is false as you are proving yourself fully capable of learning. You are learning how to ride a motorcycle already. YOU ARE LEARNING HOW TO RIDE A MOTORCYCLE.

...

At this point, I need to briefly pause and point out something quite personal. At the moment in time when these ANTs were slowly becoming undone, there was tremendous emotion. On one hand, it was very liberating to feel like I could learn or do something I thought I couldn't do. On the other, it was disappointing and even saddening to learn that I was wrong about thinking otherwise.

For as bad as it was to learn that I was wrong, however, it was agonizing to face the reality that I was the one handcuffing myself. I was the one reinforcing my lies. I was the one who refused to learn or explore new things. I was the one limiting or even oppressing myself. It was a juxtaposition of freedom and regret at the same time. It was tremendously jarring for me to both accept I had been telling myself a lie while learning a truth that was both freeing and empowering. It was incredibly frustrating to not be able to find a scapegoat, blame somebody else or otherwise "play the victim." This wasn't Gun vs. anything or anybody else. This was Gun vs. Gun. It was, in a way, an existential crisis.

What does every existential crisis eventually lead to? A question:

"Why?"

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!