No "No," All Systems Go

 Gun's Quote:

"I think it's a great idea!"

-Dr. Brown

"I think this makes sense."

-Fr. Vince

"I think you should go for it."

-Bill

"Well, you're an adult. If this will get your mind right, I'm all for it."

-Mom

"Gary, you've been happier in the last several months than I have seen you in years. Of course you should do it."

-Chris

Nobody said, "No." Not even Mom.

On July 12th, after meeting with Fr. Vince, I explained why I thought I should buy a motorcycle and how it could help teach me virtue. He agreed my logic was sound.

On July 14th, after meeting with my therapist, Bill, he agreed that getting started on a motorcycle would be very healthy and provide many benefits by challenging myself in new ways.

On July 15th, I met with my psychiatrist, Dr. Brown, who not only agreed that starting a new "hobby" was a great idea, but he was excited for it. Knowing I have been struggling for a while, he really emphasized that doing something novel could tremendously help my mental health, especially in light of trying so many other medical options with marginal success.

Only July 23rd, I watched a DanDanTheFireman YouTube video where DanDan interviewed a motovlogger by the name of "Walterrific." DanDan was interviewing Walter because Walter had a motorcycle accident and the two were discussing what happened, how it could have been prevented, how the EMTs did their job and the lessons learned. During the video, DanDan asked Walter about Mental Health. It was surprising to me... why did this have anything to do with an After Action Review of a motorcycle accident?

It was because DanDan and Walterrific had both publicly discussed that they had struggled with Depression on their YouTube channels. This caught my attention.

I looked up Walterrific's YouTube channel and searched for these videos that Walter posted about Depression. He was very candid and transparent, and I very much appreciated listening to his perspective. The idea that a guy in his late 20s was posting videos to a YouTube subscriber base of 2.4 million people about his mental health struck me as very brave. Beyond that, Walter talked about how his bike was his "therapy."

Even sitting at the DMV that exact same day didn't put up a barrier. (I decided to get the motorcycle endorsement just in case I decided to do this so that I could test-drive bikes) The State of Kansas mailed me a form to take to the DMV after passing the MSF, but they checked the wrong box. So, when I went into the DMV, they said they couldn't put the motorcycle endorsement on my license because the form was filled out wrong. Because it's the DMV and you wait for days to get in, I asked if we could call Topeka and work it out over the phone. Slightly taken aback by my request, the attendant asked me to wait for just a second and that she would go ask her supervisor.

Her supervisor shows up and re-explains the situation to me about the form. I asked again if we could call the Treasury Department in Topeka and straighten the situation out over the phone. Her response? "We are the Treasury Department. Kansas' DMV and Treasury Department are the same department."

"So... the form came from you..."

She just looked at me with those eyes and that smirk that says, "Touche."

"OK, you passed the MSF?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And you did it on a motorcycle, not a tricycle?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Then she took out a pen, scratched out the incorrect box on the form, checked the correct one, initialed it, handed it to the attendant and said, "Process his license."

Seriously... even the government seemed to bend over backwards to make this happen for me. Nobody, and I mean nobody, said, "No."

It was as if the universe was conspiring to make this happen, and yet, there was a part of me that was still on the fence. Part of me was still unsure. Part of me was scared. This was radical. This was a risk. Was it really the right call?

On July 30th, I watched a YouTube video by Walterrific that would answer that question for certain.

It's Hard to Be Upset On a Motorcycle

As one last gut-check, I asked my roommate, Chris, if I should buy a bike. He looked at me like I had three heads. Between taking the MSF, doing the researching, seeking the advice and counsel of friends and family and being excited about the idea in general, I became happier. He could tell. He told me I would be an idiot if I didn't move forward. Sometimes you need tough love like that.

Defeating the ANTs. Virtue. Therapy. Nobody said "No." Nobody said "Don't do this." As a matter of fact, to my surprise, I was encouraged to go for it.

So, I did.

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!

It's Not About the Bike

Gun's Quote:

"[But] take care not to perform righteous deeds in order that people may see them; otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father."

-Matthew 6:1

Shortly after signing up for the MSF, I went to Missouri Boys State to volunteer as a Staff Member.

This year was unique for Boys State for many reasons, but one of them was because I had to help solve a problem that directly impacted one of our Staff Members. I'm not going to tell you what that was. For his privacy, (and the fact that it is not my story to tell) I will not expand upon the particulars of the situation. To be succinct, I helped a fellow Staff Member and friend through a personal situation. I ensured that only the people that needed to know what was going on knew what was going on. As a "thank you," he bought me a book: God, A Motorcycle and the Open Road, by Tim Riter.

I had told Boys State Staff members that I was considering a bike while I was there, so I had to giggle when the book showed up in the mail. At that point, I wasn't "committed."

The weekend after Boys State, it was time to take my MSF class.

I showed up, knowing nothing other than what I had seen on YouTube. I had never sat on a bike before. During the class, I sat on and learned the basics about riding a motorcycle. I had a blast! I passed the class with flying colors, and even got a perfect score on the written portion of the class. To be honest, it's a class I would recommend to pretty much anybody. This wasn't just a "motorcycle class;" it was a class that really helped you become a better driver, period.

Yet, after the class, I was an emotional wreck. It took me a long time to figure out why.

There was this extraordinary, weird juxtaposition of having fun, yet feeling guilty. The left-side of my brain was infuriated; "Why in the hell are you considering dropping money on this? This is a money pit!" The right side of my brain was imploring, "Life is short; go have fun." I was trying to justify going down the motorcycle path, and at the same time, I was trying to justify not going down the motorcycle path. I just wanted a direction; I didn't particularly care which one it was.

Fr. Vince said I had to start down a path to see if that path was for me, so that's exactly what I did. My expectation was that the MSF would "prove" to me that I should or shouldn't do this, one way or the other. That didn't happen. Did it teach me that I enjoyed it? Yes. Did it show me I could learn a new "trick?" Yes. Did it justify the money? No. Did it help me challenge my ANTs? Yes. So, with the ANTs challenged, was I done? No. There was so much more to learn. My curiosity spiked, rather than vice versa. That rabbit hole was deep, and I found myself wanting to know more about what was down there. That meant more money, more time and more potential in being disappointed if it didn't work out.

Thus, I was still on the fence. I still wasn't committed. I still didn't know if I should move forward or not, and I found that incredibly disappointing and disheartening. I wanted an answer, and I didn't get it.

Why was I doing this? Did I want to do this? What do I want? What am I doing?

A few days after that, I woke up and jumped in the shower, as per typical morning routine. Shower time is also reflection and prayer time, (don't judge) and I was contemplating the whole situation. None of this was making sense. What do I do?

While I know the following will just sound weird or make-believe by some of my readers, I must give witness to what happened as I experienced it. While standing there in the shower, thinking about all these things, I heard the still, small voice of God. He said:

"It's not about the bike."

Of course.

I flew out of the shower and ran in to my Family Room where I keep my prayer books. Sitting on top was the book that the Staff Member gave to me from Boys State. I threw it open, and I read.

And I read.

And I read.

What did I read? That this was about an experience. That experience would challenge me to grow again. It would challenge me to learn something new again. It would require me to be humble and ask for advice and help again. It would make me uncomfortable again. It would make me face my fears again. It would make me more childlike again, requiring me to experience something new with wonder and curiosity, not begrudgingly and cynically. It would require me to grow in patience with myself and others, and to cut out arrogance and stubbornness. It would require me to forgive myself when I messed up, and it would require me to forgive others when they mess up. It would require discipline. It would require "healthy" fear of real risks to life and limb. It would require working to mitigate those risks.

This wasn't about a bike. It has never been about a bike. It has been about defeating apathy and challenging the status quo. It was about sacrificing the mundane in order to be able to pursue greatness. It was about VIRTUE. Yes, it was about choosing a challenge that would require me to grow in virtue, so that those virtues could be applied to other areas of my life that were stale, stagnant and had plateaued.

Like my Depression. Like my tolerance for sin. Like my physical health. Like my work. Like my youth group.

Like my life.

The pieces were falling into place. Somehow, someway, this was starting to come together. The ANTs. Challenging the ANTs. Talking to my therapist. Talking to my priest. Taking the MSF. Reading a book that answered questions and revealed problems I didn't know I had. Was this happenstance? Was this coincidence?

Was this really going to happen?

This was about growing in Virtue. This wasn't about being a Depression victim, it was about becoming a Depression Victor.

This wasn't about a bike. It never was.

...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!