Gun's Quote:
"You fast, but Satan does not eat. You labor fervently, but Satan never sleeps. The only dimension with which you can outperform Satan is by acquiring humility, for Satan has no humility."
-St. Moses the Black (Ethiopian)
I have no idea how much I don't know. The more I think I have learned, the more I learn I have so much to learn.
Take, for instance, this past Lent. I decided I wanted to really challenge myself. Not wanting to lose the momentum gained by the "Motorcycle Journey" I had been writing about over the last several months, I decided to take on a Lenten program called "Lent 40." I suspected - based in part upon that motorcycle journey - that there were other areas in my life in which I had grown too comfortable. In other words, there was room for more growth.
Just after the start of 2022, several friends invited me to join in with them in a program called "Exodus 90," which is the program that "Lent 40" is derived from. I made a "Hard Pass" on Exodus 90; While embarrassing, I must admit that I knew I would grow frustrated and resentful of the ascetical practices that Exodus 90 prescribes. It is a program of discipline and prayer, involving such things as taking cold showers, not watching any type of movies or TV, using the computer and smart phone for only the most essential business activities, (both personal and professional) fasting, etc. It was something I said I couldn't do. I needed a "step" between present-state and Exodus 90, because jumping from present-state to Exodus 90 was too daunting. Lent 40 was the step I chose.
I used to make fun of people who gave up chocolate for Lent. "Do better than that," I would think to myself. Jesus would endure the most excruciating suffering and death in the most publicly humiliating way possible, and you're just not going to eat candy bars for 6 weeks? Similar sentiment existed in my brain for those wishing to give up certain foods, or who claimed that they were using Lent as a way to diet and lose a few pounds. "Vanity," I thought to myself. This isn't about getting the swimsuit bod ready for the summer.
How arrogant. How prideful. How conceited. Just exactly when, and from whom, did I receive the authority to judge the personal sacrifices of others?
Further, why did I think those sacrifices would be simple or easy?
Saying "no" to all sugar, food and drink alike, was terrible. I have never been so "hangry" in all my life. Not watching TV except in social settings, (permitted in Lent 40) no social media, no YouTube, no video games, no eating between meals, no music, (worship music permitted) no "non-essential" purchases, an hour of prayer a day, 7 hours of sleep a day, exercise at least three times a week and fasting every Wednesday and Friday made me completely re-think the struggles that I have on a daily basis. This was one of the most difficult things I have ever attempted in my life, and at the end of the day, what I gave up was nothing more than comfort. I literally stopped doing the things that the majority of the world doesn't have access to anyway, and it made me grouchy, irritable and just plain mean.
The worst part? I didn't even realize that until the very end.
I thought I was humble. I thought I was virtuous. I thought I was disciplined. I didn't think that I struggled with my own insecurities any longer, which would present themselves as talking down to others, nor did I think I was so privileged that I couldn't recognize or appreciate the struggles of those around me.
I was wrong.
"Old Gun" would conclude this post by beating himself up. That, of course, is false humility. (To say nothing of the fact that I have been unrooting and unraveling the trauma I have caused myself for such self-inflicted wounds over the last several years.) Current Gun concludes that Lent 40 did exactly what it was supposed to do: Find a place where I need to grow.
I didn't think that place was going to be humility. (Let's be honest: I don't want it to be, either) Then again, it would be one year ago that I would start down the Motorcycle Journey, which would be the catalyst for the personal growth and change I needed then, too.
...and that's why it's a Gun's Quote!!
