Civility

Gun’s Quote-of-the-Week:

“It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Four years ago this past week, Justin W. Stephan passed away. He was a friend of mine and a friend to several of my friends on the Missouri Boys State Staff. His memory is honored every year at the end of our session with the Justin W. Stephan Memorial Service Award. In this way, we can preserve Justin’s memory for future generations.

Why? Why memorialize one life? Certainly, there are several individuals who have inspired our group of friends and certainly all of them are deserving of having their name read aloud in memory of their lives and dedication to service. What causes any group to honor an individual in such a public way?

Well, I have a hypothesis. I don’t know that this is the exact reason and it is almost with certainty not the only reason, but it is the reason that I would like to share with you today.

Justin was an incredibly unique individual. If you were to take the group photo of the Missouri Boys State Staff from the many years he served on it, you could pull him out of the crowd. Justin took immense pride in his rural and agricultural background. He would openly speak about his cows and his ag business. Life was joyful to Justin, which often times left his friends perplexed. Justin didn’t care for or partake in many of the entertainment venues that are so often sought. He focused on family, faith and the farm. To those of us reared in suburban and urban environments, these values were occasionally misunderstood and stereotyped. By his own admission, there were times when he misunderstood the values of the non-rural environments as well.

The divide between rural and urban in our country today is as pronounced as ever. Like most other groups, the cultures of urban and rural have turned on one another, blaming each other for their own perils. You see it in electoral maps of the country during Presidential elections. You see it on college campuses when students avoid and stereotype other students that appear to be from backgrounds that are not their own. The discourse between both groups – assuming there is any anymore – focuses on how “hicks” are bigoted and racist, while “City boys” are responsible for the moral decay of our society.

What Justin did, though, flew in the face of both groups’ flaws; he put his hand out and smiled. He wanted to shake the hand of the man across from him and get to know him. He wanted a new friend and he wanted it genuinely. Justin had friends on the Staff that didn’t agree with Justin’s personal viewpoints on politics and religion. (Being an organization that promotes civic leadership and education, you have quite the diversity of opinions and values) Despite these differences, Justin was a genuine friend. He cared more about the person he was talking to than the opinion of the person he was talking to. I am always impressed by how passionately his friends who did not share his viewpoints still describe the man. Justin found it within himself to talk about very sensitive and important issues, (and staunchly defend his own) yet not allow these things to damage the relationships that he had with his friends. You could have a fiery and animated discussion about gay marriage, global warming or religion with Justin and he would still love you like a brother afterwards. His friends will tell you that he was the epitome of “Loving your neighbor” despite, perhaps, not loving what they do.

Justin was willing to extend his friendship to others who didn’t share his viewpoints. In so doing, he was able to ask – and often succeeded in asking – others to do the same towards him. The ability to openly talk to Justin about what you really think without fear of retribution or loss of a friend was one of his high qualities. I think that is one of the most significant reasons why so many loved him; because people were free to be themselves, they could connect with Justin at a much higher level than they could with so many other people in their lives.

Instead of talking to other people who don’t share our views, we post our opinions of why we are right all over our Facebooks, Twitters and Instagrams. We have resorted to hiding behind our views rather than representing them with our own human faces. Then, we wonder why there is no more civil discourse and why every little decision we face in our day, be it a task at work, a homework assignment or simply even dinner with family, is met with anger and spite. (Or silence and angst) We cannot expect civility to return to our society and families by asking others to be vulnerable and have real, human conversations without doing so ourselves. At some point, we have to be willing to be the first one who does so. At some point, we have to be willing to put ourselves out there, lest we never enjoy the reality of a real, human connection and authentic friendship.

Friendships like the ones Justin W. Stephan had with pretty much everybody who knew him.

...and that’s why it’s a Gun’s Quote!!

Thinking

Gun’s Quote-of-the-Week:

“Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right.”

-Henry Ford

It's only fitting that writing a Gun's Quote in Michigan comes from one of this state’s great names.

I haven't spent time writing many Gun's Quotes because I have been spending time talking with Erik and Jo and playing with my niece and two nephews. Erik and Jo moved in with me after their apartment lease went up and before mom and dad were finished with building their house. Erik and Jo were to move in with Mom and Dad as soon as their place was ready.

These past months I've witnessed a young family grow up before me. Jo and Erik moved in with a super pregnant Jo and a 1 1/2-year-old. Oh, yeah, Peter Barker (the dog) came, too. They'll move out having a total of three kids, (Jo had twin boys) all under two. Peter leaves with them, too. 

I watched the kids go from not sleeping through the night to crawling. They smile, they play, and I've gotten pretty good at bottle feeding and rocking them to sleep in my arms. Sometimes I can even get them to stop crying! I can pretty much make them smile on queue. Who knew I had it in me? I certainly didn't. 

Gloria loves the Legos I got her for Christmas and enjoys sitting in my lap while I read her a book. Current favorites include The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Chick-a Chick-a Boom Boom and anything with the picture of a cupcake. 

I’ve been trying to get roommates to move in with me after Erik and Jo move out. My house is three beds and two baths; it’s a bit much to keep up by yourself and I’d rather have somebody to at least say “Hi” to when I get home from work, much less somebody to share a grocery bill with and help pay the bills. I know that getting a home-cooked meal when I get home from work is now off the table, too.

Jo and Erik moved out this weekend while I was in Michigan celebrating one of my best friend’s ordination to the Catholic Transitional Diaconate. God willing, he will be ordained a Priest next year. The date is already on my calendar. A plane ticket purchase won’t be far behind.

When I get home, my house will be empty. Quiet. Dirty. Dark. Only the gentle hum of a refrigerator and trickling from an aquarium pump will greet my ears when I walk in the door. It has been years since I’ve had this much anxiety built up in me. My worst fear in the world is being alone. It sounds silly, trivial, immature and perhaps childish, but having idle evenings and being overwhelmed with a big dirty house to clean sounds like hell. I dread it.

This, of course, is all in the context of having all kinds of family and friends within minutes of me. I won’t have a problem finding house-guests. (I just hope they choose to ignore the inch of dust that has collected on some of the shelves... “I’ll get to it tomorrow.”)

To say that I’ll be alone simply because I don’t have roommates is about as logical as saying the Earth is flat. It’s plainly false. I can’t deny my feelings, however, and my feelings disagree, even if they are wrong and presently winning the fight between my left and right brain. (A perpetual war, to be sure)

If I think I’ll walk in to my house tonight sulking and feeling sorry for myself, I’ll sulk and feel sorry for myself. If I walk in to my house, pack a gym bag and lunch for tomorrow, and maybe sit down at the computer and go through this weekend’s incredible and beautiful photos, Monday will probably go well. The funny thing about the stuff that goes on inside of your head is that it usually doesn’t stay inside for too long. In many ways, we determine our own destiny. Not gene pools, not privilege, not money, us. Sure, environmental factors weigh significantly on our lives, but, ultimately, we choose what parts of that environment to let inside.

I’ve had a wonderful weekend and a wonderful Winter and Fall. It’s Springtime. This will be better yet. Why?

Because I think it can.

...and that’s why it’s a Gun’s Quote!!