Keep Trying

Gun’s Quote-of-the-Week:

“Survival can be summed up in three words – never give up. That’s the heart of it really. Just keep trying.”
-Bear Grylls

Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap…

“Does that hurt?”

“Yeah, that’s a little intense,” I would respond.

“OK, what about now?”

Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap…

“Yeah, I can tolerate that.”

It was Day 1 of 30. The sensation of having powerful magnetic waves directed at my brain was surreal. With each tap, it felt like a ball-peen hammer was tapping on the INSIDE of my skull. I had never felt anything like it. It was kind of freaky.

“OK, what do you want to watch? We have Netflix, Hulu, YouTube…”

“Daredevil Season 2!” I exclaimed. I rarely watch TV. The possibility of getting caught up on one show that I actually liked was exciting, as if the possibility of feeling normal again wasn’t enough.

Feeling normal again. That would be nice.

Months ago, I found myself in my Doctor’s Office listening to results of bloodwork. The symptoms were simple but troublesome; I simply couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, and when I did, it would be hours before I felt like I had enough energy to do anything. That would last for a few hours, then I would be tired again several hours before it was bedtime. All of the bloodwork results came back normal. Nothing was wrong.

The psychiatrist, the counselor and I all knew different. For reasons none of use really understood well, it seemed my body had adapted to the prescription antidepressants I’ve been on for years. Suddenly, they simply stopped working and I found myself with symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder once again. My motivation was gone. I didn’t enjoy the same activities that I once did. I didn’t seek out social situations I once had. I quit writing Gun’s Quotes. The subtlest of tasks overwhelmed me. Even my personal hygiene, embarrassingly, took a step back.

“Oh, God,” I would say to myself. “Not again…”

We shifted around to different medications. We increased therapy sessions. We talked about Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, but I was hesitant. The prospect of shooting magnetic waves in my head reminded me of horror stories in the late 90s of people supposedly getting brain cancer with their cell phones up to their ears. Even the literature on the procedure bluntly stated: “The long-term effects of TMS treatments on the brain are unknown.” Not reassuring.

We tried one pill, then another. A third. A fourth. Nothing worked.

I’ll admit I was tempted to revert to the old lies I had to overcome when I initially started Depression treatment years ago. “This is just the way I am.” “This is just the way it is.” “Everybody has to deal with something in their lives; this is mine.”

Then, I read an old Gun’s Quote. Sunday, May 6, 2012, “Never Give Up.” That sealed the deal.

I have no idea if TMS is going to work on me. Statistically it should, but in the world of psychiatry there are no guarantees. The brain is more unique in each individual than the thumbprint, and that complicates things when it comes to tracking down and treating mental disorders. I’m going to try, though, and I’m going to keep trying. I’m not the sum of my symptoms.

There are going to be times in your life when you are faced with distress, difficulty and shear terror. Keep going. Don’t accept lies like “That’s just the way it is,” “I deserve this,” and “this is just me.” No, it’s not. You are worth love, respect, dignity and happiness. So, if you’re not there yet, get help.

 Then keep trying.

...and that’s why it’s a Gun’s Quote!!

If you or someone you know is struggling with Depression, please call your local healthcare provider. If you or someone you know has expressed that they want to kill themselves, please call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at (800) 273-8255 immediately.