Pain

Gun’s Quote-of-the-Week:

“Because God is never cruel, there is a reason for all things. We must know the pain of loss; because if we never knew it, we would have no compassion for others, and we would become monsters of self-regard, creatures of unalloyed self-interest. The terrible pain of loss teaches humility to our prideful kind, has the power to soften uncaring hearts, to make a better person of a good one.”
-Dean Koontz

I have an acquaintance who is married who is also trying to have children. Recently, he and his wife experienced probably the greatest heartbreak a parent could have. During the third trimester of her pregnancy, my acquaintance’s wife miscarried their child.

Not being a parent myself, I cannot imagine the pain of their loss. They had the nursery ready. There was a crib, clothes, had picked a hospital, etc. Everything was coming together for the couple’s first child. Suddenly, and right before Christmas, their plans vaporized.

This event occurred last week. When I ran into the acquaintance again, I offered my condolences for their loss, not knowing how to offer my thoughts any better way.

“Thanks, but I wish you wouldn’t.”

I was a little surprised by the response. “Oh really?” Was the only thing I could think to say, confused.

“Yeah, I just don’t want to hear it from 14 different people 14 different times.”

I suppose one could be reminded about a tragic event in ways they would not want by having people offer their condolences, even if it was well-intentioned and well-thought. I run into the same problem with funerals, too.

I had met the parents of a teen in our youth group for the first time at his funeral. He took his own life. It was very difficult for many people that I know personally. Many are still struggling.

Again, what are you supposed to say? If you say anything, are you really helping?

Then again, I don’t think trying to put a painful thing out of your mind and trying to focus on something else is helpful, either. In times in my life when something sad happened, I found that putting it out of my mind let it fester and it continued to nag me until I finally came to terms with the fact that I had to talk it out with somebody, maybe even cry on their shoulders over the loss. Time might heal wounds, but leaning on your friends are the stitches.

These conversations are tough, aren’t they? Families don’t want to approach something taboo, especially over Christmas. People don’t want to breach a topic that might induce emotion. People don’t want to talk about something personal and invite others into their vulnerabilities.

Let’s remember, however, that pain is not begotten by cruelness. Simply because there is loss and suffering does not mean that such loss and suffering was the result of cruelty, vengeance, or karma. Part of life is loss.

Let’s remember this when we have opportunities to share our loss with others and when others offer to listen to us. We can take comfort in the fact that if loss is not the result of vindictiveness that solace, too, must come from a kind and humble heart.

…and that’s why it’s a Gun’s Quote!