Burning Down the Apartment

Gun’s Quote-of-the-Week:

“It is preferable that the fire stay inside the fireplace.”
-Me

I like to put funny quotes on here of crazy and silly things people say when they are being goofy and (occasionally) dumb. Now I admit, everybody does dumb things every great once and a while, and to really be fair, I should quote myself when I do dumb things, too.

So you guys are really in for a treat this week, because my blunder was so comical that I can't help but make fun of my own sorry self.

I have a fireplace. I use it a lot. This weekend, it was cold, and I wanted a fire. So, I made one. The firewood had gotten wet with some rain and snow we had recently, so the fire was pretty pathetic. Being a man, I, of course, decided I needed a bigger fire. (Insert Tim Allen grunt here)

So, logically, I threw more stuff in the fireplace.

“Hmm,” I think. “That's a little better.”
(Fire grows)
“That's a pretty big fire.”
(Fire starts roaring up the chimney)
“I wonder if that fire is too big...?”
(Fire settles)
“Oh my God!!!”

When the firelogs started settling, there were so many of them in there that they felt they were a little too tight and, therefore, decided to depart from their assigned combustion area.

I ran into my kitchen and starting filling cups with water and dumping them on the 2nd fire I now had going in my apartment; namely the one inconveniently placed on my living room floor. The smoke detector started screaming its head off, ashes were flying all over the place, and smoke filled the room. I flung my deck door open so that the smoke could get out, dumped more water on that 2nd fire, and about that time, the fireplace regurgitated a 2nd load. Sigh.

I was able to extinguish both fires with just water and without the police or fire department becoming involved; however, I did have to take the next hour and a half to vacuum everything to get the thin layer of soot off of all my stuff. The carpet also took one for the team, getting a nice singe in 3 places while the tiles in front of the fire place got too hot and became discolored. Looks like I'll owe my landlord a little more than just rent this month.

In any case, nobody was hurt, no fire trucks showed up, and other than carpet, tiles, and my ego, no property was damaged.

So there you go, ladies and gentlemen. As proper penance for quoting all the crazy things you say and do, I must humbly and honestly throw my stupidity out there for all of you to make fun of for a week. Enjoy.

…and that’s why it’s a Gun’s Quote!